Part I
Dos and Don'ts of Conflict Management
"What do I say?"

A common question at Response Crisis Intervention Seminars is, "What do I say
when I am attempting to separate two people who are arguing?" There are Dos
and Don'ts of intervening. Let's first look at the Don'ts or What every intervener
should avoid.

Avoid asking arguing parties

What is going on?
What is happening?
What is the problem?

Think. Do you really want to play judge and jury and reside over the conflict? If the answer is yes, go ahead and ask a question like, "Could someone please tell me what is going on?"

I'm no Genie, but I will bet even the biggest doubter that the next thing that will happen is two people (more if there is a group of disgruntled people) will all start talking at the same time or ignore you. If they go for the first option and begin explaining themselves they will essentially be vying for your attention (especially if you are in a position of authority) with each person trying to be louder than the next.

If they ignore you, consider yourself both lucky and unlucky. Your lucky, since being ignored by angry people is a whole lot better than having them focus on you while in attack mode. You're unlucky, because you wanted to help out and no one is willing to listen.

Avoid interpretive statements,

I see that you are upset.
I understand your anger.

The typical reply is, "Upset, I'm not upset. You want to see what upset looks like?" or "How the heck can you possibly understand what I have gone through here today?" Yep, the person you are trying to help is only going to get madder and more frustrated than before. Not a good idea.

Avoid saying

Calm down

Would you like to be told to calm down when upset and angry? Probably not. This phrase is very popular not because we like to get people’s goats and get them really agitated. We’d like to not think that is the intention. No. It is more likely that “Calm down” is said because the person’s actions are unnerving. They might be speaking quickly or loudly, pacing back and forth, flailing their arms, and maybe even stomping their feet. Telling someone to calm down does little to help the person know what he or she should do instead of being so agitated.

Avoid saying

Stop
Stop that

Stop doesn’t really provide much of anything to work with. “Stop what? My actions? My words? My thought?” People tend to get even more frustrated and upset when they don’t really know what you are asking them.

No one reading this eNewsletter we expect wants to incite further violence. Not, at all. Through our best intentions though we try to do too much too quickly and get caught up in the swirl of the conflict.

So what to do instead?

Do, Stay Out of the Content.
Do Stay Tuned in June 2009 for
Part 2
Of
Dos and Don’ts of Conflict Management
Or
What to say when intervening